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So it was fear that brought me back to life?
I'll admit I wrote the second half of this first, only because it was fresh in my mind and I wanted to capture the moment perfectly.
I got no sleep on Friday, I spent the whole night and morning packing. Around 2pm I came to my parents house... but I was tired as hell.
I had a nice day, my dad's best friend and one of his sons (someone I consider my brother, our dads have been friends for 50 years) was in town visiting, so I spent the day at my parents having diner, watching the game, talking and enjoying their presence. I ended up staying the night, the plan was that I would sleep on the small couch and Bill and Dustin would sleep on the big couch with the recliners. However, while watching a movie, my father continued to fall asleep between them, spooning an already sleeping Dustin (I'm not sure which one of them fell asleep first, but whatever). It wakes Dustin up a few times, but eventually his own sleepiness overcomes him and he is no longer waking up to my father's "snuggles". I take my dad's drink from his hand to bring to the kitchen and laugh, but when I come back into the room, I notice Dustin doesn't seem to be sleeping very soundly. I try to wake up my father and tell him to go upstairs, but he responds with nonsense like "I'm fine" "I'm sleeping here" and of course "I'm awake". When I failed to convince my father to move, I make an attempt to wake Dustin, to tell him to take the other couch and I would take the floor (he is driving in the morning, it's important he is well rested); but I can not wake him, only disturb him further; so I give up. Eventually the movie ends, and during the credits (because I do not know how to turn off their damned TV) my father kicks Bill (his best friend) which wakes him up and in turn wakes my dad up. I asked Bill to tell my dad to go upstairs because he was smothering Dustin, at first he did, but then they decided to watch another movie. For a while they seemed awake, talking about the movie, the actors, etc while Dustin slept. Then suddenly my father proclaims he is going to go upstairs; after doing so several times he finally does; almost directly after, Bill falls asleep. I still can not turn off the damn TV, oh well, I can sleep through it. Then the snoring started. Then I realized how cold I was. I could not sleep though all of that so I decided a smoke might help.
I quietly step out onto the back deck and immediately, I get the sense that I am not alone.
My first instinct is to turn around and go back inside, but I really want the "cigarette" I am smoking, I am convinced that it will help me relax and get the sleep I desperately need.
I try to convince myself that it is just my anxiety; after all I do not hear anything, I do not see anything; nor did I when I first came out.
My fear doesn't go away. I decide to talk it through in my head and for the first time in my life I came to the conclusion "So what if I'm afraid".
So what....
I scan the backyards around my parents, I try to feel where the other person was. Behind the fence, I'm sure of it. I become even more afraid, because I know I'm being watched, but I still had the same attitude; "so what".
I move forward on the deck, take a drag from my "cigarette" and using the same volume I would if a person were standing right next to me I ask "What do you want?"
There is a long pause (a few drags worth) but I maintain my confidence, eventually a voice responds "How did you know I was here"?
"I don't know" I respond.
"Can you see me?" they ask.
"No" I tell them, almost void with emotion.
"How did you know I was here"? I am asked again.
I give the same answer; "I don't know".
"Who are you"? they ask, almost as if speaking to some sort of higher being.
I repeat their question with a chuckle in my voice and add "...after all you were watching me, what is it you want"
Before they can answer I hear another voice say "What are you doing? common, hurry, let's go".
I hear feet shuffling on grass and towards my left the sound grows fainter. I couldn't see them.
I laugh it off at first, likely some young kids sneaking out, just wanting to see what someone else was up to; but I didn't expect that, I expected some deranged lunatic with a katana in one hand and a gun with the other... but I got this surge of courage and I felt like if I was more confident than what I thought was going to harm me, that I could easily overpower it when I recognized those emotions it was like a light bulb went on in my mind, why don't I always have this attitude? Why don't I ever just look fear in the face and say "What do you want"? My mind starts racing; with that mentality, I can do anything.
I start to apply the thinking to areas in my life. It fits.
I think about my beliefs, so many of the things I believe to be true go hand in hand with this new found realization.
So yeah, I'm going to be scared at times; hell maybe even terrified, but when that happens I'm going to look what ever fear it is and ask "what do you want"? and step right over that fear, because submitting fear has gotten me no where and if it turns out that I had every right to be afraid, then I've learned a new lesson and if I take a wrong path then it only leads me closer to knowing which is the right one (process of elimination, right?).
I might be going all over the place right now, so to put it plainly. Tonight I realized that I should NEVER let fear control me.
It wasn't until I had come back inside that I remembered; I had not taken ANY anti-anxieties today. That was ALL me.
I can't help but feel that this is a breakthrough for me. Now all I have to do is remember it.
Don't worry, I'll inform my parents of the possibility of kids snooping around, though I think I scared them off.
I'll admit I wrote the second half of this first, only because it was fresh in my mind and I wanted to capture the moment perfectly.
I got no sleep on Friday, I spent the whole night and morning packing. Around 2pm I came to my parents house... but I was tired as hell.
I had a nice day, my dad's best friend and one of his sons (someone I consider my brother, our dads have been friends for 50 years) was in town visiting, so I spent the day at my parents having diner, watching the game, talking and enjoying their presence. I ended up staying the night, the plan was that I would sleep on the small couch and Bill and Dustin would sleep on the big couch with the recliners. However, while watching a movie, my father continued to fall asleep between them, spooning an already sleeping Dustin (I'm not sure which one of them fell asleep first, but whatever). It wakes Dustin up a few times, but eventually his own sleepiness overcomes him and he is no longer waking up to my father's "snuggles". I take my dad's drink from his hand to bring to the kitchen and laugh, but when I come back into the room, I notice Dustin doesn't seem to be sleeping very soundly. I try to wake up my father and tell him to go upstairs, but he responds with nonsense like "I'm fine" "I'm sleeping here" and of course "I'm awake". When I failed to convince my father to move, I make an attempt to wake Dustin, to tell him to take the other couch and I would take the floor (he is driving in the morning, it's important he is well rested); but I can not wake him, only disturb him further; so I give up. Eventually the movie ends, and during the credits (because I do not know how to turn off their damned TV) my father kicks Bill (his best friend) which wakes him up and in turn wakes my dad up. I asked Bill to tell my dad to go upstairs because he was smothering Dustin, at first he did, but then they decided to watch another movie. For a while they seemed awake, talking about the movie, the actors, etc while Dustin slept. Then suddenly my father proclaims he is going to go upstairs; after doing so several times he finally does; almost directly after, Bill falls asleep. I still can not turn off the damn TV, oh well, I can sleep through it. Then the snoring started. Then I realized how cold I was. I could not sleep though all of that so I decided a smoke might help.
I quietly step out onto the back deck and immediately, I get the sense that I am not alone.
My first instinct is to turn around and go back inside, but I really want the "cigarette" I am smoking, I am convinced that it will help me relax and get the sleep I desperately need.
I try to convince myself that it is just my anxiety; after all I do not hear anything, I do not see anything; nor did I when I first came out.
My fear doesn't go away. I decide to talk it through in my head and for the first time in my life I came to the conclusion "So what if I'm afraid".
So what....
I scan the backyards around my parents, I try to feel where the other person was. Behind the fence, I'm sure of it. I become even more afraid, because I know I'm being watched, but I still had the same attitude; "so what".
I move forward on the deck, take a drag from my "cigarette" and using the same volume I would if a person were standing right next to me I ask "What do you want?"
There is a long pause (a few drags worth) but I maintain my confidence, eventually a voice responds "How did you know I was here"?
"I don't know" I respond.
"Can you see me?" they ask.
"No" I tell them, almost void with emotion.
"How did you know I was here"? I am asked again.
I give the same answer; "I don't know".
"Who are you"? they ask, almost as if speaking to some sort of higher being.
I repeat their question with a chuckle in my voice and add "...after all you were watching me, what is it you want"
Before they can answer I hear another voice say "What are you doing? common, hurry, let's go".
I hear feet shuffling on grass and towards my left the sound grows fainter. I couldn't see them.
I laugh it off at first, likely some young kids sneaking out, just wanting to see what someone else was up to; but I didn't expect that, I expected some deranged lunatic with a katana in one hand and a gun with the other... but I got this surge of courage and I felt like if I was more confident than what I thought was going to harm me, that I could easily overpower it when I recognized those emotions it was like a light bulb went on in my mind, why don't I always have this attitude? Why don't I ever just look fear in the face and say "What do you want"? My mind starts racing; with that mentality, I can do anything.
I start to apply the thinking to areas in my life. It fits.
I think about my beliefs, so many of the things I believe to be true go hand in hand with this new found realization.
So yeah, I'm going to be scared at times; hell maybe even terrified, but when that happens I'm going to look what ever fear it is and ask "what do you want"? and step right over that fear, because submitting fear has gotten me no where and if it turns out that I had every right to be afraid, then I've learned a new lesson and if I take a wrong path then it only leads me closer to knowing which is the right one (process of elimination, right?).
I might be going all over the place right now, so to put it plainly. Tonight I realized that I should NEVER let fear control me.
It wasn't until I had come back inside that I remembered; I had not taken ANY anti-anxieties today. That was ALL me.
I can't help but feel that this is a breakthrough for me. Now all I have to do is remember it.
Don't worry, I'll inform my parents of the possibility of kids snooping around, though I think I scared them off.
I feel sick.
One of my online friends did something today and I'm not sure I can move past it.
He spoke to Matt. About me.
Yepp, you read that right. One of my friends spoke to my abuser about me.
I've read the transcript of their conversation and I really do believe that my friend was speaking to him in an effort to help somehow. It was incredibly stupid to think that it could help in any way, but his intentions were good, I guess.
I'm sick to my stomach over certain things. Primarily that I know he (Matt) reads my Deviantart postings. When I came back to D/A I considered ditching this account and went as far as making a new account, but I concluded
Retraction.
I was going over some of my old Journal entries and given my new-found strength, I would like to post a retraction (of sorts) to the following entry: Cold hard truth.
See the updated version below:
(updates in bold)
The cold hard truth is, I̶ ̶s̶t̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶. I still love the false image I had of him
In spite of all of the horrible shit he put me through, all the horrible things he said and did... the fact that I now suffer from PTSD because of him, I̶ ̶s̶t̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶h̶
I've noticed something...
I've noticed something lately, something that really breaks my heart - it's that a lot of the women I meet are in what they (and I) consider an abusive relationship.
There's a (big) part of me that wants to scream at you to get out and stay out, because that's what I did and I'm extremely better off... but there's the other part of me that understands why that might (seem) completely unrealistic/unlikely.
One thing I am really grateful for (which I wasn't at the time) while he and I were still together, is the people who told me things I didn't want to hear; the things I needed to hear, even though they knew I wouldn't listen - a memory of
Lost friends.
It's really hard for me to maintain friendships, mostly because it's so hard for me to reach out and socialize. I have to mentally prepare myself every time I walk out the door, positive self talk and such. I have to rehearse conversation in my head before making a phone call and I reread my texts several times before I send them.
Being ignored hurts bad enough as it is, but it REALLY fucks with me. It makes all of the aforementioned issues so much more pronounced each time I reach out to someone and I don't hear back for days or sometimes even weeks, it sets me back in my recovery because it gives "that little voice inside my head" somethin
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I'm very glad!!!!